Sunday, January 8, 2012

Entry #92

Title: DISAPPEARED
Genre: Unspecified

Log Line:
Julie’s best friend Fay disappears soon after their arrival on vacation in Morocco. While awaiting – impatiently – action from the authorities, a bewildered Julie snoops enough to guess Fay’s destination and impetuously rushes after her. Julie’s channeling of her inner Kinsey Millhone deserts her, however, after she gets lost and has to ditch their disabled rental car on a remote desert track. But it’s not until Julie locates Fay – in prison on the Algerian border – that her problems really snowball: Fay’s meddling into Moroccan political secrets means that, unless she can arrange Fay’s escape, both women are about to disappear permanently.

First 250 Words:
A whirlwind with frizzy braids broadsided me. Her momentum carried her past me, sliding along on the slippery tile floor. She landed with an arm tangled in my suitcase strap, purple jumper askew, plump legs in striped tights waving. I toppled next to her. My palm slapped onto the tile and planted there for balance.

A little boy braked to a screeching stop by the girl’s side. The children had been playing tag around the immense pillars that dotted the baggage claim area. As I reached to help her up, the girl’s eyes and mouth opened to matching Os. She looked wildly around before bursting into tears. The boy watched impassively for a second, then his lower lip trembled and he, too, began to wail. Their cries added to the waves of sound. After the quiet hum of the pressurized airplane, the bedlam was crushing.

Without a glance at me, a veiled woman captured each runaway by an arm and, speaking sharply, hustled them away to a distant corner.

My backpack had upended when I fell, spilling my spare lipstick and a bulky jacket belonging to my friend Fay. She had left it with me when she vanished into the crowd, trying to find out when the rest of our luggage would arrive. I imagined my expression looked much like the one on the little girl who had tripped over me – scared to be suddenly alone, searching for a familiar face. Where in the world had Fay gone?

3 comments:

  1. I love the high stake of your novel! I'm no expert on log lines, but I think that you might want to narrow this into one line about the main conflict of the story.

    I love all the details of the story--the description of the children as they interact with your MC. However, I would feel more grounded in your story if it started with the MC, and what was on her mind. Maybe if you started with your last line, or a variation, with the MC wondering where her friend was, or what was taking so long.

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  2. I agree with Heather, that we might need an initial line setting up the situation, rather than bring up 'Fay left me with the luggage' all the way down in the fourth paragraph.

    But I love the imagery and the emotions. This is a thriller, certainly.

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