Monday, December 19, 2011

The Flippant Girl's Guide to Surviving the Holidays

someecards.com - Jesus Christ, not Christmas again.
Credit
Whereas Thanksgiving is a one-day-a-year phenomena, December through early January is riddled with holidays and holiday parties. If you're not careful, you can sucked into three events in a night. This many parties and dinners will seriously expand your waist. (Trust me, I'm a professional.)

Of course, you can be in the opposite boat and not have even have a plan of Chinese and a movie. You might feel that this is worse than being overbooked. Don't worry, we can debate the misconception of that later. Today's all about holiday survival.

1. Drink in abundance. There's a reason why Santa is so jolly and it's not because he's full of good cheer. Embrace the nog, snuggle with schnapps, spike your cocoa. Make a drinking game out of every festivity you attend*. Is someone wearing an ugly sweater? Take a shot. Is there a couple snogging under mistletoe? Chug until said snog is complete.

2. Confuse holidays. Light sparklers and play John Philip Sousa marches. Dress up like a bumblebee. Later on you can always blame the sheer amount of booze you've drank since December 1.

3. Wear pajamas everywhere you go. Hey, you might as well be comfortable if you're going to be stuck at a party and if you're on your way to pick up your large pizza for one, you definitely want something with an elastic waist. Oh, and pick up some ice cream while you're at it.

4. Be surly. Not only did some crazy shit happen because Scrooge was such a miser, sometimes being a raging ass can be fun. Think of it as intensive therapy to yell "screw you" to that stranger who rings a bell and says "happy holidays."

5. Document EVERYTHING. If you're a writer, you can call this research. Write notes down on every family interaction you have to succumb to for the holidays. Study office relationships as your colleagues get drunker and less inhibited. Photograph anything that looks questionable as you prowl around on New Year's Eve... Then use anything you can as leverage.

Hope everyone in The Lurkdom is enjoying this holiday season. If not, please employ one of the suggested methods above.





* As long as you drink responsibly. We at The Pie do not encourage drinking and driving.
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Last.fm hit of the day: In the Middle of the Night by Within Temptation

5 comments:

  1. Haha...I saw so many people wearing pjs in the grocery store yesterday - they were celebrating!

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  2. Love the document everything! Very cute. :)

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  3. THIS. A thousand times this--especially 1 and 3.

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  4. Totally agree with Pam- this is awesome. And I never realized how much of a flippant girl I truly am :)

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  5. RE: #4 - I was just silently judging all of the pajama-clad shoppers at Walmart yesterday. Come on, folks, jeans are your friend!

    And in all seriousness, I'm totally down with #1. :)

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